Complicated
by Rockhardglitter
Summary: Angel thinks something is going on between Cordelia and Spike. Or is he just being his usual broody self? C/A implied


TITLE: Complicated

AUTHOR: Leather

PAIRING: Spike/Cordelia, undertone of Cordelia/Angel

SEASON: 5th of Angel, which hasn't started yet *G*

SERIES: None

ARCHIVING: Ask and ye shall receive. 

SUMMARY: Angel thinks Cordelia and Spike are together. Or is he just being a brooding asshole?

FEEDBACK: On groups, and you can always email me here: Xena@compuage.com

Author's Notes: I just wanted to write a short angsty piece. This is it. *G*. 

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I hate him.

  


I hate him so much, but yet I understand him too. I have to. I'm his sire. His yoda, as he so called me. We understand each other Spike and I, and maybe that's why we can't get along. And it's horrible.

  


I think that Cordelia might be in love with...

  


Spike.

  


Why can't it ever be me? I know he fell for Buffy, hard. He still talks about her at times, getting this wistful look on his face for something he could never have again. I see Cordelia watching him, feeling sorry for him, giving the devil mercy. Which was probably what Buffy saw in him as well.

  


I mean...they can't seriously *like* Spike. He's....

  


Spike.

  


Ok, so I'm jealous. When Cordelia woke up from her coma, I had hopes. I had sent Connor to a life he deserved, a life I could not give him. The life I wanted to give him, with parents, school and a girlfriend. Lilah of all people helped me to give my son the best. He deserves that you know? I wanted to be able to give it to him.

  


I want to be able to give Cordelia the best as well.

  


But Spike. Is. Not. The. Best.

  


Am I saying I am? Well, compared to Spike maybe. I've done a lot of wrong things in my time--and Cordelia would say Oh look, here comes Broody McBroodson. So...yeah.

  


I'm jealous.

  


I watch them, in the office, talking with each other, getting along. They mesh well. I admit they would make a beautiful couple despite my feelings. Her dark hair would compliment his blonde hair, and Spike always did have a thing for brunettes. He told me I had a thing for blondes.

  


Maybe I do.

  


But that doesn't mean I didn't fall in love with Cordelia. I did. Completely. So Completely I didn't realize it at the time. I had no idea, not until that time we went to the ballet, and I turned to see how she was taking it in. I figured Cordelia, with her childhood had been to many a ballets in her time and would be with me on the fact that it was something classy to do. But she was asleep, and snoring. She woke herself up snoring.

  


That's when I knew I loved her.

  


I loved her even when I saw her with Connor, making love to...my son. Now we know it wasn't Cordelia, it was just a thing inside Cordelia, wearing her body and using her memories for whatever purpose it had. She's back, the real Cordelia. My Cordelia.

  


Only, she isn't *my* Cordelia anymore.

  


And that's what hurts the most. The fact that I will never know what her body feels like under my fingertips, I'll never know what her lips taste like. I'll never know if they are soft and full, or luscious. None of these things I'll get to know.

  


She's laughing at something Spike says, and he's being charming because I can see the glowy look on her face. He's enjoying her company and he's surprised me. Spike actually *tries* to work, to help. He for a long time, wasn't over Buffy. I could tell. He'd get this look on his face that told me he was thinking about her, dreaming about her, wanting her.

  


I know how he feels.

  


I don't know when everything became so complicated. I don't know when my childe started to fall in love with the woman I wanted to claim for my very own, or when she turned her eyes upon him. I *want* to know, because it hurts. I can hear myself ask a Cordelia who lost her memory, if we were together.

  


((Are we in love?))

  


I shake away her voice. That was the Cordelia of the past, the one that had loved me. We are slowly working back to being friends again, trusting. I know we're having issues there. She slept with Connor. She got herself pregnant with that...thing that invaded her mind, her body. Used her.

  


If Spike ever uses her, I'll rip him apart. That's not so complicated. I know he knows it, because he eyes me wearily every time Cordelia, Spike and myself are in the same room. There's so much tension between us. I hate it. I want things back to the way they were, with Cordy and myself joking, being friends, falling in love with each other.

  


But that's never going to happen. I know I have to let her go. I have to let what magic we had between us shimmer away as much as it hurts. She wants to move on. She wants to go where she can, and not stay neutral in a forbidden love.

  


I can't blame her. I just wish that things between us weren't so...

  


Complicated.

  
  



End file.
